Pregnancy Guilt and Worry: Looking After Yourself as a Mum-to-Be

May 24, 2022

Pregnancy can bring enormous excitement.

It can also bring worry.

Am I eating the right things? Is the baby okay? Am I exercising enough — or too much? Should I be enjoying pregnancy more? What will birth be like? Will I know what I'm doing when the baby arrives?

And then there is another worry sitting quietly underneath all the others:

Should I be worrying this much?

If any of that sounds familiar, you're certainly not the only one.

Why Pregnancy Can Bring So Many Worries

Pregnancy involves change and uncertainty.

Your body changes. Your plans change. You receive advice from healthcare professionals, family, friends and sometimes complete strangers.

Then there is the enormous amount of pregnancy information available online.

Knowing more can be helpful, but constantly being told what you should eat, buy, avoid, feel and prepare for can also become overwhelming.

Some worries are practical. Others can be surprisingly small.

Both can feel very real when they're occupying your thoughts.

The Pressure to Have a "Perfect" Pregnancy

Pregnancy is often presented as nine months of happiness, anticipation and glowing skin.

Real pregnancy can be rather different.

You might feel excited one day and apprehensive the next. You might love being pregnant or find parts of it difficult. You may feel confident about becoming a mother while simultaneously worrying about birth.

None of those feelings makes you less appreciative of your pregnancy.

And you don't have to remain permanently calm or positive in order to be a good mother.

Your Baby Does Not Need You to Have Perfect Thoughts

This is particularly important.

You may come across claims suggesting that feeling stressed, worried or negative during pregnancy somehow transfers those emotions directly to your baby.

That's an unhelpful way to think about normal human emotions.

Occasional stress and worry are part of life, including pregnancy. You should not feel guilty for experiencing them.

What matters is looking after your own wellbeing and asking for support when worry or anxiety begins to interfere with everyday life.

Pregnancy should not become another reason to police every thought that enters your head.

Pregnancy Guilt

Guilt can attach itself to almost anything during pregnancy.

Perhaps you aren't eating as perfectly as you'd planned.

Perhaps morning sickness has reduced your diet to a handful of foods you can tolerate.

Perhaps you're still working long hours.

Perhaps you don't exercise as much as somebody else.

Perhaps you're planning a Caesarean birth.

Perhaps you simply aren't enjoying pregnancy as much as you expected to.

There is no single correct way to experience pregnancy.

Your circumstances, body, pregnancy and feelings are your own.

Social Media Doesn't Help

Pregnancy on social media can appear beautifully organised.

Perfect nurseries. Carefully arranged baby clothes. Elaborate gender reveals. Immaculate baby showers. Exercise routines. Nutritionally perfect meals.

They're snapshots.

They don't show every worry, uncomfortable night, appointment, argument, bout of nausea or moment of uncertainty that may exist outside the photograph.

Preparing for a baby isn't a competition.

Your baby doesn't need an Instagram-ready nursery — and you don't need an Instagram-ready pregnancy.

Finding Small Ways to Look After Yourself

Self-care during pregnancy doesn't have to involve elaborate rituals or expensive products.

Sometimes it's remarkably ordinary.

A walk when you feel like one. An early night. Lunch with someone you love. Sitting with a book. Asking somebody else to cook dinner. Turning your phone off for an hour. Saying no to something you don't want to attend.

Or simply accepting help when somebody offers it.

The important part isn't the activity itself.

It's remembering that your wellbeing matters too.

Let Other People Look After You

Pregnancy has a curious way of turning attention towards the baby before the baby has even arrived.

Friends and family ask about the nursery, the name, the pram and the due date.

It's worth asking about the mother too.

A thoughtful pregnancy gift, meal, phone call or afternoon together can simply say:

I'm thinking about you, not just the baby.

That's also why we believe gifts for expectant and new mothers should be chosen with the woman herself in mind.

Our guide to How to Choose a New Mum Gift explores that idea in more detail.

Preparing for the Transition After Birth

Some pregnancy worries naturally turn towards what happens afterwards.

What will recovery be like? How much sleep will I get? What if feeding is difficult? How will our relationship change? Will I still feel like myself?

You don't have to solve all of those questions before the baby arrives.

But understanding a little about the period after birth can make it feel less unknown.

The first weeks after birth are sometimes called the fourth trimester — a period of adjustment for the baby, but also an important period of recovery and transition for the mother.

You can read more in our Fourth Trimester Guide.

When Worry Becomes More Than Everyday Worry

Some anxiety during pregnancy is understandable, but persistent or overwhelming anxiety deserves support.

Speak to your midwife or GP if worries are becoming difficult to control, affecting your sleep or everyday life, or making pregnancy particularly difficult to cope with.

Mental health support is available during pregnancy as well as after birth.

If you need urgent mental health help but it isn't an emergency, you can use NHS 111 and select the mental health option.

If you or somebody else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E.

Asking for help is part of looking after yourself.

Be Kinder to Yourself

You don't need to spend pregnancy worrying about whether you're doing pregnancy correctly.

Attend your antenatal appointments. Follow reliable medical advice. Eat as well as circumstances allow. Rest when you need to. Accept help.

And allow yourself to experience pregnancy as it actually is rather than how you think it ought to feel.

There will be excitement.

There may be uncertainty.

There may be days when you feel wonderfully prepared and others when you haven't the faintest idea what you're doing.

That's human.

You don't need a perfect pregnancy to begin motherhood well.